Friday, March 19, 2010

Frustration and Exhaustion

I am so frustrated…EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never in my life struggled this much with my lack of energy and “get up and go”. All I want to do is lay in bed or on the couch. I don’t even what to get up off the couch to go pee because by the time I get there I have no energy left and just have to sit there a little longer than I want to. I just thought I was pushing myself to hard the week before Chase’s birthday but it has gotten worse. The other day I got really pissed off at my body because it would not do what I wanted it too. I am at the point where I am just want to cry and I do a lot. Then, I think what kind of help is sitting there crying doing.

Todd and I have realized that I can go one night without anyone helping me. So he has been taking a couple hours off when he has the night shift two days in a row or my mom has been coming over to help.

My poor kids…they just keep going with the flow..while I cry, Campbell cries with me. Then I feel bad because a four year old should not be consoling her mother. What kind of mother am I? I think I am getting more emotional because treatment is almost over. One week left of radiation, then just Herceptin every three weeks. Then what? Right now I worry once treatment ends…it will come back..I think I am just scared about having time to do what I want and my day no longer being controlled by doctors, scans and drugs.

Monday, March 15, 2010

2/3's done and a party

Therapy Update

On a good note…I am done with physical therapy or torture as I like to call it. I have been done for about two weeks. Have not missed the torture but I have missed hearing the stories of my therapists’ kids peanut and the twins.

I must remember that several people are reading this blog and when I went to one of my physical therapy appointments. They commented on how on was being tortured by them. I was a little shocked at first because I couldn’t figure out how they knew…then they told that one of the employees who work at the therapist place is a reader of my blog (also one of Campbell’s friend’s mommy’s). I laughed really hard….and realized I had been caught.

Four weeks down only 2 weeks left of radiation. I am starting to see some major skin changes. The chest and underarm area are reddening and my shirts are starting to get uncomfortable. I just keep slathering on the cream…

Caring Bridge

I have noticed lately in the paper that there have been several young women die of breast cancer lately. So I decided to get on caring bridge and find one of them. I sat and read her caring bridge journal for two hours one day. Of course, the ending is not what I hope for...for me but it was good for me to read her story and what she went through. I felt a peace with my journey and feel fortunate that I have not experienced much pain and suffering along my treatment. In her journal, she constantly wrote this bible verse Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Chase’s Birthday

Little Chase is now two. The poor kid is registering in the 25% percentile in height and weight. Hopefully the kid will have a huge growth spurt someday and be as tall as his daddy. We celebrated with cake (made by step-sister) and ice cream. He got all good stuff including his first pair of cowboy boots. He has not taken those things off. He even put them on with his footed p.j’s the other day. It was so cute.

A funny story about Chase and the fake one…I picked him and Campbell up from the sitter’s. He hugged me and then looked at me funny. Then, he started to poke me in the fake one. Before I could say anything he grabbed my shirt and tried to look down it. I told him it was o.k. but he kept poking at my fake one. I don’t normally wear my fake one after radiation therapy and for some reason that day I decided to put it back in. Chase must have thought it was too hard and didn’t like it when he hugged me.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I don't have a good title for this one....

I have been really slacking on my blogging!!! I have so many stories to share.

Hair Growth

My hair has started to come back. I actually had to shave my legs the other day. Boy, did I not miss that the past few months. Now that my hair is growing back…it is growing in places I could really do without hair there LIKE MY CHIN!!!!!!!!!!! Also, the radiation therapist told me not to shave my arm pit. Disguising!!! I could not handle it and broke down this morning and had Todd shave my arm pit with an electric razor. I will probably get scolded today when I go therapy. I also got my first hair cut. Wendy saw my hair and I believe was a little shocked. Some hairs were about one inch longer than the other ones. I hope to be brave enough to go without a hat or scarf really soon.

More Babies

Not only is my sister-in-law pregnant but two of friends just announced their babies will be coming soon too.

Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

On Monday, I took Todd to David’s Bridal to go dress shopping for my friend’s wedding. I like I scared the clerk. Not knowing what to say to her about me missing a boob…I just let it all. I don’t have a boob, can’t wear a real bra for a few more months, my scar is huge, I have gained a bunch of weight…you are really going to have to help me. She looked a little frightened. So I try I on the first was horrible. You could see my scar. The second dress has a high neck (no scars seen). But I had to put the fake one in the dress then hold it with my hand in the right place to make sure it would fit right. Thank goodness number 2 worked!!!!

Health Update

I was denied into the study for tamoxifin. They don’t want me because I have inflammatory breast cancer. I was really bummed and so was Dr. K. She said she tried to talk them into because I have responded so well to treatments.

Mugga Scan (Heart) was good. I am at 54% function. As long as it stays above 50% I am good to go. Pet Scan did not show any signs of cancer cells. I asked several times to make sure I heard her correctly. So far so good.

I found out that I only have to have six weeks of radiation. I was so excited. Two more weeks of the treatment I am receiving now. Then two weeks of the radiation concentrating on my incision line. I have just now started to notice red spots on my chest about two inches below my incision and right below my clavicle.

New Quote I heard in the Movie “You Are Not Alone”. It is a movie that joins six young women for an intimate and candid discussion of the issues unique to young women diagnosed with breast cancer. It was given to me by the Young Survival Coalition.

Remember on bad days you can have good moments”