Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It is tough to be four.

This is more like a free write...very hard to write about it.

Campbell was with my mom on Sunday.  My mom and Campbell were talking about Christmas and getting Christmas trees.  Campbell tells my mom that she may have to put up the Christmas tree this year by herself because she is afraid her mommy will die before Christmas.  I am not quite sure how my mom kept her compsure, but she talked to Campbell and told her that would I be around for Christmas. 

On Monday, mom told me about this.  Needless to say I think about the conversation and I cry; I called Todd and talked to him.   On Monday evening, I sat down with Campbell and talked with her.  She told me she is worried that I will go to heaven with Jesus before Christmas and it will be because of cancer.  I explained to her that my doctor will tell me when I am going to die.  Mommy and Daddy will let her know what the Dr. tells us and until then she does not need to worry about me dying.  I then told her that if she ever wants to talk to anyone about mommy dying she can call her aunts, grandma's or Ms. Beccie.

I hope part of it is that this past week I spent a lot of time laying down, not eating, and feeling just miserable.  It is hard for myself and Todd to understand what is happening to my body. I can not even imagine what she is thinking.  I am going to talk to the doc's today about how to help her.... hopefully, she won't be completely jaded and ruined from my cancer.


Melinda said...

Melissa - Campbell will never be ruined from the cancer. You are wonderful mommy and she loves you very much. If anything she will learn from your strength, faith, hope and courage that you show each and every day.
I love you very much!

Tammy said...

Oh the poor dear. She is seeing you looking and acting so sick, and she is too young to understand that the very thing that is making you better has these nasty side effects.

She sounds like a sweet, compassionate little girl. I hope she stops worrying so much. And that God gives all of you the strength you all need.

Jamie said...

Melissa-I teared up when I read this b/c I could just hear Madysen saying the same thing. How sad and frightening for little Campbell. I think you handled it right in having a talk with her. I keep you in my prayers daily!